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RP - Ankh-Morpork wants you!

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Report 3 [Feb. 28th, 2006|10:03 pm]
RP - Ankh-Morpork wants you!
Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson's Report On Vaccuous Haystack.

After much research I came upon the information that Vaccuous Haystack (Age 47 last Hogwatch, well known discoverer of the Fifth Element, Black Crispy Bits. would be the person to question on the recent incidents concerning, "Nano-imps". When questioned on the subject of the Fifth Element, he explained "Well, as a alchemist I wer searching for a way to turn lead inter gold, see, (and we've nearly got it) und I wer distacted by this when I noticed that e'er time I tried an experiment it end'd up being black crispy bits, see. So I tried ta get any other elements out of ther here crispy bits, and all I got wer more crispy bits! So it stands ta reason tha' Black Crispy Bits are teh Fifth Element!"

When I finally managed to catch up to Mr Vaccuous Haystack after many days of searching I found him rowing down the Anhk, occasionally hopping out to push his boat over the solid patches. When I asked " Mr Haystack, if I may have a few questions with you?" he turned around and yelled back "It weren't deliberate! It were a foggy night, I needed to splash me boots, and the duck backed into me!" (This might need investigating later) When reasssured I only wanted to talk about the Nano-Imps he responded " I can't talk now! The little buggers ha' got me trousers!" and resumed paddling down the river. Conceding that getting hold over Mr Haystack would be rather hard I sent him the official investigation form, it is incased in the envelope handed in with this report. Mr Haystack also included his notes on the Nano-Imps and his bussiness cards with the filled out form with the note :

"If yer want er contact me, sent me a message on the clacks. My numbers written on this here sandwich (The sandwich is inclosed in the envelope) It used to be my buisness card, but the Nano-Imps got to it."

(Unfourtunatly all Mr Haystacks notes were written on back of his unwanted business cards and I haven't learn't how to read a ham-and-cheese sandwich. )

City Watch Investigation Form

-Your name: Vaccuous Haystack
-Age: 47 last Hogwatch
-Race: Human

-What is your background (ie. Hometown, previous jobs etc.)?:

Uh, well I got me roots on the edge of the
Sto Lat plains, but I always told me Mum I'd only kissed there.

-What: are Nano-Imps?:

What? You don't know? After all that fuss created by All Johnson when he
wiped some off his hands with a discarded copy of Proctology Weekly?

-How: were they discovered/created?:

It weren't so much me discovering them, as them discovering me. I were
just rinsing my beard to get the worst of the sticky fragments out - the
first distillation of scumble regis can be tricky at this time o' year -
and I grabbed a bottle of, er, a popular easing potion instead of the
brimstone remover. I mopped it up with a scrap of The Ankh-Morpork
Times, and the little buggers started following the instructions in Old
Mother Hubert's cookery column.

As to how they're created, well that's a tricky one. Y'see they're a bit
shy about that kind of thing. There you go, sticking your nose in with
an octarine magnifier and they get all shy. Well, most do. Some makes
this funny gesture with one hand. We're not sure what it means yet, but
they seems to be tryin' to communicate. Ponder Stibbons thinks he's seen
it somewhere before.

-How can: we see them?:

Oh, the octarine magnifier. Well, according to corpuscular optical
theory, the smaller the bits of light are the finer the detail we can
see. The octarine light, bein' magical and all, doesn't hold with bein'
in bits so we can see as fine a detail as we likes. You needs a steady
hand, mind. That's what the scumble regis is for.

-Are: they causing these random events?:

Well, not really. See, they're not quite random events. Instructuctions
need to be given and they'll do exactly what they tell 'em to. 'Course,
might not be what you wanted 'em to do...

-How: can we stop them causing these events?:

Ahr, you're foolin' with me officer. THem's the same question. Same
answer: Don't tell 'em to do anything dangerous. Like, don't give them a
copy of Proctology Weekly and stand too close to a candle.

If you have any information for the Watch please include it in your answer:

Righto officer, Mind how you go.

Yours respectfully,

-Vaccuous Haystack

(Note:I would like to thank Mr Stibbons for telling me about the "spell check" feature on HEX, it has made writing my reportr much easier)